I like the Dichotomy of things. I like to wear a little color with my black & white. I am both a thrill seeker and a careful ninny. I am a go-getter who loves to be lazy. I have fears that rage inside of me that only my Faith can suppress. Fundamentally, I believe we are all complex creatures who sometimes don’t make a whole lot of sense to the naked eye. At least, not at first glance. It’s why I seek the LIGHT, yet find so much goodness in the dark.
This explains why my husband — who knows the bright, bubbly, positive, light-chasing side of me — has grown very accustomed to my Bat-like tendencies. He'll often find me curled up in a dark nook, sitting quietly by myself, having drawn the curtains in the room to create a cavernous space in which to retreat. Yes — me, the chaser of the LIGHT, likes to sit and simmer in the dark.
What’s happening in these moments is an opportunity to shut out the world, silence the noise, and go inward with my thoughts. It is here, in the dark, I often meet the LIGHT I am so hell-bent on finding. Our days are filled 24-7 with stimuli — news, internet, conversations, to-do lists, errands, commitments, rushing … rushing… rushing… I often only have time to scribble down little notes — glimmers of LIGHT stories I dream up or encounter but don't have the time to develop, ponder, digest. These notes are memory joggers for me to flesh out later when I have time to actually sit down and write. But oddly enough, sometimes when that time arrives, I no longer see the importance or relevance of these little notes. Their tangled words no longer make sense to me, and I'm left trying to recall the details I clearly felt important enough to write down in the first place. This unravels me! Why didn’t I just stop and write it out in the moment? I ask myself. This would have been a great story to share but now the words escape me.
I think this is how life is — don’t you? Our days are filled with little moments that really could be epic stories if we would just stop long enough to soak them up, drink in the moment and savor its lingering message and impact. But we are too busy to stop and enjoy them so we let them pass us by; just a blip on the radar. When you later recall it, it has very little meaning or importance anymore. It’s just nothing.
When a string of these moments pile up and all I have is a series of little notes that I can no longer make sense of — it's a red flag warning that I have gone too far, too long, too deep into the madness of life. I have to push the pause button and shut those curtains to block out all the light that is life rushing by. I embrace the cold, quiet dark; I become very quiet and still. And I listen. I have complete conversations in my head with my ego, my self-doubt, my courage, my spirited-self, and most importantly, God. Then, something always emerges. A LIGHT that was not there before. Clarity. Purpose. Faith. Resolve. Intention. Sometimes full-blown stories emerge and I'm gifted with material to write; Other times, full-blown revelations about my life and my personal journey that help me adjust my course.
The yin-yang of my writing life really intrigues me. I’ve come to realize I’m a very emotional writer — the stories only spill out when I’m fully enthralled in my highs and lows.
When life is on cruise control and balanced, the words don’t easily come. But send me over the edge — either into the sky high emotions of happiness, love, and elation or down into the deep valleys of fear, worry, and doubt — and the stories emerge. Why must I go to the extremes to find them? I wonder. When I contemplate this I hear God say to me:
I've also learned that my highs are really high, and my lows are very low. It doesn't mean I am drunk on positivity anymore than it means I am unhappy or depressed. It simply means I feel deeply. I imagine many of you can relate to this. For this reason, I have come to embrace the Dark even more because there is so much to be learned there.... such valuable teachings if we are brave enough to really sit in it for a spell.
Keep riding your SERF.